Saturday, December 15, 2012

I Hope Heaven is For Real.

Dear James,

Jamieson Matthew that is.  I know during your life we had our ups and our downs.  You were awful to me, then the best big brother a girl could hope for and then I lost you forever to heroine.  I feel like I mourned your death far earlier than you actually died, because once the drugs took over you weren't my James anymore.  I had to seperate myself to keep my sanity and I couldn't participate in enabling your addiction any longer.  My main effort had to be for your children and that became what was important-their safety and well-being.

I'm sure your aware that The Stin calls me Mom now and The Don is Dad.  I hope you know that we took him because we love him and we raise him as if he is our own. You will always be his biological father, but we have become his parents.  I promise to do my best to help him become the amazing man I know he can be.  I'm sorry that you couldn't know about the adoption, but it just wasn't safe and his safety was all we could worry about.  I hope you are at peace with the situation and can look over this family I have created, the way you used to look out for me when I was younger and you were so very protective.

I know you were a good man who got involved in bad things.  I think your poor choices are the ones that are forgiven, I know you hated those demons so badly.  Because of this, I know you are in heaven. I just do.

I have had an urge to write you ever since the tragedy in Connecticut.  It has touched this nation in a way that is unexplainable. You know, and I'm sure you were there ushering those children to safety and wrapping them in light.  But here is the thing.  I don't know what I believe exactly, but I do believe that you are with me, so here are my thoughts...if you could sneak on down to pergutory, or where ever that Monster has gone, and kick his ass on behalf of every parent in the world who was affected by this-that would be fantastic. You can also throw an extra kick in there for the negative light he has brought onto Aspergers Syndrome. I feel pretty confidant that God will forgive me this request and turn an eye if you need to sneak out of heaven for a minute to give this guy a piece of the Jamie I remember so well, the one who didn't allow his little sister to be hurt by any guy that wasn't going to treat me right.  Muster up that Jamie, the one I miss so much and let this monster face that wrath first.

Give kisses to Nanie and Ashley and baby Steven from me.  I miss you all so very much.



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